Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
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Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room