*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
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Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
For the baby who has everything
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Yup….perfect score!
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????