Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
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I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
True
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.