How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
You Might Also Like
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Welcome to the stomach
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.