I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
You Might Also Like
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
me linking you to my twitter
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
🚲+physics = winner
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*