“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
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*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
What number SPF blocks people?
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.