Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
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I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?