I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
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I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed