WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
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In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”