To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
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Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Most fashion shows these days…
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.