[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
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Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
need him
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Are these grass-fed oranges?
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.