it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
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we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
i meant to share this earlier
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.