your elf on the shelf was delicious
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I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
mechanics be like
#ParentingFacts
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
OMG 🤣🤣
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.