I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
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They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
do horses think humans are hats
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed