I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
You Might Also Like
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
the three branches of government
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.