Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
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Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.