Good advice.
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I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.