My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
You Might Also Like
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was