I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
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A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.