brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
You Might Also Like
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Basically.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
The human personality is made of five key elements
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.