I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
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You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Can’t. About to go please some beans
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.