Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
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people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.