The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
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One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
🍞🦆
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?