The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
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Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
How much for the goth pool noodles?
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own