Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
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I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie