Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
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therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me: