“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
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there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor