“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
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I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
my dad when a sex scene comes on
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
bias laundering edition
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.