[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
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” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
buying dead houseplants to save time
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose