4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
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There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
mood
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
This meal prepping shit easy
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”