The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
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Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”