[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
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Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
I hope they boil the right one.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️