Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
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Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating