Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
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Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.