When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
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Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.