Jail
You Might Also Like
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.