Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
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What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.