Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
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ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
I’m not lazy
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL