Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
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[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
I’m literally crying
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money