Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
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Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
lol
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?