Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
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They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.