[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
You Might Also Like
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
respect