“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
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disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
🤣dope
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!