Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
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White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
The first matador
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street