Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
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Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.