Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
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I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new