Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
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Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
SCARY COSTUME
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.