ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
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cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Not😆🤣
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.