Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
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me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Mouse
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes