SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
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Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
haha same
*aggressively waits in line*
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious